dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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