my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
