Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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