I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
