Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
