You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
