You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
