stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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