I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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