We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
