But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
