When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
