hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
did i walk over a car last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
