shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
