my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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