How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize