I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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