It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
