Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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