This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
