mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
