Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
