I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
