hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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