I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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