Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My cat gives me a boner
only if we run a train.
done.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
