Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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