"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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