If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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