Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
