I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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