Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
