It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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