I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
