Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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