I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
