I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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