the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
