Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
