guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize