thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
