omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
