so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
