I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I want her autograph on my taint
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
