shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
