hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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