I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
