I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
