I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
