I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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