Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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