The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
