i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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