The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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