It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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