Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
