I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
