I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
