he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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